Remembering my life. Chronicling it. That’s why I started this. How sad that the chronicle of my life has become a daily recitation of the puzzle I do each morning…Nothing about the temper tantrums my son has taken to having, and how tired I am of listening to him & Hunny go at each other constantly – tired to the point of tears. Nothing about the insecurities that have begun to surface as each day passes. No commentary on the struggle to get “the ends” at least within sight of each other – meeting not even an option at this point. The inability to sleep for more than an hour or two without waking up, therefore never really sleeping. The fear that the “other shoe is going to fall” because I know that despite how stressed I am, and what a struggle every day is, we still truly have it good. Trust me, I’ve had it bad, and this isn’t even close.When’s it going to happen, because it will. I’m not sure exactly what “it” is, but I’m fairly certain it will be about as far from pleasant as white is from black.
I tell myself “People don’t want to read that crap – they have their own problems!” But really? I started this for me. For us. To have a way to go back and say “Oh yeah! That happened then ! Now I remember!” because my mind is becoming a sieve. It’s scary. For a person who has always been able to remember every little detail about everything, this is a whole new world.
Nothing about the progression, the ebb and flow, of the “magical, musical pain” as I call it. How stress makes it hurt more. How the hurt makes the stress more. I intended this to be a diary of sorts, a place where I could “let it all hang out,” so to speak. I’m the “strong” one – always have been. I don’t need your sympathy, your help, your comfort, your approval. For over 30 years that has been the me that everyone – and I do mean everyone knows. No time to call and say “hey”? So what! Too busy to go to the parent/teacher conference, good deal. Can’t be bothered to remember my birthday..? Who cares? I don’t need these things from you – no matter who you are. I actually own a t-shirt that says “Fuck You! I have enough friends.” I’ll put up a pic if I can find it… But I digress.
I created this “place” so I could not be that person. So I could be insecure, and afraid, and lonely, and even occasionally needy. A place where I could be the one getting comfort instead of giving. Crying instead of embracing with support. I also wanted to record important, and not important things as they happened, so in my busy world, they didn’t get thrown into that horrid “someday” file that seems to be infinite in size, yet inaccessible when there are a few free moments to review the contents within. Yet my world seems to have become “someday.” At least, everything important has. Someday we’ll go to the zoo. Someday we’ll take a vacation, Someday…And I’m so afraid someday will never come, for one reason or another. Yet how do I change it? I don’t see a way around doing each day the way I’m doing it - I can’t not work, we barely make the bills as it is – feast or famine. I can’t even change my hours because I’m being held hostage by a school bus.
If I see my husband an hour a day, I consider myself lucky – seeing him sleep really doesn’t count as “seeing” him. My boy is asleep when I get home. In the mornings, he’s acting like a teenager in a 6 year old body. When your child is smart enough to find a loophole in every situation, and has the attitude of a teen, what do you do? I can’t really respond as I would to a teen – while he is intelligent he’s still a six year old emotionally, and he still follows six year old logic – he just uses college level words to do it…
Wow, I don’t even know what I’m doing here…apparently sleep deprivation tends to make one ramble – because anyone who is familiar with me knows I always stick right to my subject, and never wander from it….
Ok, going to go lay down and not sleep soundly. G’night!
See ya laterzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! And oh yeah – I haven’t forgotten HH Gregg – I will get there, eventually….:)